THANKS EVERYONE. ..
for all your well wishes and concern. It means a LOT to me.
Yesterday, I was pretty much in a state of shock over the whole thing. Of course it still makes no sense to me. It seems to unfair! He was doing so well, even on the chemo, and I know he had a lot of things he wanted to do and was in the process of doing. But I did learn recently that the chemo itself may lead to a heart attack, even 5 years in remission, so I suspect that is what happened. He appeared to go peacefully, so that is something to be grateful for.
I'm sure I did not sleep more than an hour or two last night. I couldn't shut my mind off. There were so many things I had to do, so many things I had wanted to do, so many things I wished I had done. And so many things left unsaid. That is the hardest part of a sudden death--the wish-I-would haves--the why-didn't-I's--or the if onlys. No matter what I did for my dad, it wasn't enough. So many things I'll never be able to do now. At least that's how I feel right now. I know it will take time to get over this, and I appreciate all of you being there.
The funeral will be Thursday. I made arrangements today, and I think I made it nice for him. When my mom died, my dad was devastated and made a lot of bad decisions on how we handled things, and I never felt right about the way things ended up. Since it was my decision mostly to make this time, I wanted things to be right.
In the meantime, understand I probably won't go to your blogs for a few days. Its not that I'm not thinking of you, its just that I want to focus my thoughts on him and what needs to be done in the days ahead. If anyone wants to contact me via phone, let me know by e-mail. Maybe we can talk. My e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks.