Monday, February 26, 2007


for all your well wishes and concern. It means a LOT to me.

Yesterday, I was pretty much in a state of shock over the whole thing. Of course it still makes no sense to me. It seems to unfair! He was doing so well, even on the chemo, and I know he had a lot of things he wanted to do and was in the process of doing. But I did learn recently that the chemo itself may lead to a heart attack, even 5 years in remission, so I suspect that is what happened. He appeared to go peacefully, so that is something to be grateful for.

I'm sure I did not sleep more than an hour or two last night. I couldn't shut my mind off. There were so many things I had to do, so many things I had wanted to do, so many things I wished I had done. And so many things left unsaid. That is the hardest part of a sudden death--the wish-I-would haves--the why-didn't-I's--or the if onlys. No matter what I did for my dad, it wasn't enough. So many things I'll never be able to do now. At least that's how I feel right now. I know it will take time to get over this, and I appreciate all of you being there.

The funeral will be Thursday. I made arrangements today, and I think I made it nice for him. When my mom died, my dad was devastated and made a lot of bad decisions on how we handled things, and I never felt right about the way things ended up. Since it was my decision mostly to make this time, I wanted things to be right.

In the meantime, understand I probably won't go to your blogs for a few days. Its not that I'm not thinking of you, its just that I want to focus my thoughts on him and what needs to be done in the days ahead. If anyone wants to contact me via phone, let me know by e-mail. Maybe we can talk. My e-mail is Thanks.


sharon said...

Vickie I'm so sorry about your father passing. I'm glad that he went peacefully. For me anyway that would help knowing he didn't have to suffer much. I hate to think of someone suffering. Right now, it's you who is suffering though. You have lot's to get through the next few days and I pray for God's peace in your decisions. Also a good nights sleep!

Fe-lady said...

Your dad knew and knows that you love(d) him! I am here for you -and will contact you by e-mail and maybe call you if you feel like talking!
Maybe after all is settled a trip is called for...?

Ellie said...

Exactly.... when my father died there were ends left dangling for me because of the way my mother arranged things. When she dies, I plan do do things differently. I know exactly what you are saying.

This is such an unreal place to be going through. I'm thinking a lot about you.

Ellie said...

Stopping by 'cause I'm thinking about you....