SECOND ANNUAL GIFT GIVING GUIDE

I've been scouring all the shopping ads, including any already out for Black Friday, and have come across a more simple way to do your shopping this year: Dave Barry's 2008 Holiday Guide to the oddest gifts. This is a list of items that are so unusual that if you give one to someone, their reaction will be: "Thank God he/she did not get me any more." So let's move on, so you have time to finalize your list before the big day approaches:

1. Head Spa Massager.

Are you stressed out and "uptight?" Do you often feel tense? Would you like to enjoy the kind of physical relaxation and peace of mind that result from looking like the biggest dork on the planet? If so, you -- or the lucky individuals on your holiday gift list -- need the Head Spa Massager. According to the manufacturer, when you put this on your head, "it's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp." That's right: not just a few dozen tiny fingers, but thousands of tiny fingers. Simultaneously. You might be surprised to learn that the Head Spa Massager is mandatory headgear at all meetings of the Federal Reserve Board.
($49.95 plus shipping and handling from Edmund Scientific, 60 Pearce Ave., Tonawanda, N.Y. 14150, (800) 728-6999; http://www.scientificsonline.com/.


2. Razorba "War Hammer" back razor.

The Razorba "War Hammer" back razor lets you tend to hard-to-reach hairy areas. Perfect for the triathlete on your list. Here, at long last, is a gift that communicates the heartfelt holiday message: "From the back, with your shirt off, you look like a yeti." The War Hammer is a plastic handle designed to hold a razor so that a man can shave his own back hair. This product comes with detailed instructions for use, as well as this safety note: "Wear thick pants, shorts, or a thick towel and eye protection when using this product." No, we don't know why you would need thick pants, and we don't want to know. All we know is that, these days, body hair is out, which is unfortunate since many men tend to sprout hair from everywhere on their bodies except their heads. They are regular hair farms. If you're a lady who's involved with such an individual, he will surely be thrilled to receive a War Hammer from you this holiday season, along with a romantic note along the lines of, "This grooming aid will make you less repellent to me."
($69.95 plus shipping and handling from Razorba/Swamiware LLC, 1657 Abigail Way, Ann Arbor, MI 48103, (888) 755-6386; http://www.razorba.com/.

3. Gassy Gus flatulence game.

Here's a fun game that will provide hours of entertainment for the whole family, provided nobody in the family has an IQ higher than 40. "Gassy Gus" is a board game that comes with a little man named ... get ready ... "Gassy Gus." Players use "food cards" to force their opponents to pump Gassy Gus' head up and down. Each pump inflates his belly a little more, until finally Gassy Gus "blasts gas." Oh no! In other words, it is exactly like chess, except that instead of strategy there is flatulence. So in that sense it is actually more like the United States Congress.
($34.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, (866) 216-1072.

4. The UroClub.

Where do golfers go to the bathroom? Open fairways? No trees? You'll want the UroClub in your golf bag. For years, we assumed they used those little holes that you see scattered around golf courses for relief. But it turns out the holes have another purpose; namely, the golfer is supposed to hit the ball into them, although this rarely happens. There are very few places on a golf course to go to the bathroom. This can be a real problem, because many golfers follow a strict hydration regimen under which they may consume as many as eight beers while they're still in the parking lot. This can lead to a lot of pressure out on the course. Well, golfers can rest easy now, thanks to the amazing UroClub. This is a fake golf club with a hollow shaft and an opening at the top. It comes with a towel that drapes over it, so the golfer appears to be toweling off the club when he is actually relieving himself into it. This could be used in place of the little porta potty thing Marci suggested a while ago, to not be so obvious on the links.
($24.95 plus shipping and handling from Matco, (866) 999-4876, http://www.uroclub.org/.

5. Wearable sleeping bag.

This is my personal favorite. Doze off anywhere, anytime with the wearable sleeping bag.
It is a medical fact that most people do not get enough sleep. Why? Work, that's why. Incredibly, even in the 21st century, very few employers outside of the brothel industry and certain government agencies provide beds for their employees, which means workers must spend the day sitting in chairs, awake, using up precious energy reserves they need for evenings and weekends. What can we do about this? The answer is so simple it's hard to believe it took so long for somebody to figure it out: We can wear sleeping bags to work. Specifically we can wear the Lippi Selk wearable sleeping bag, which combines the comfort of a regular sleeping bag with a level of chic fashion elegance normally associated only with the Michelin Man. When you put this baby on, your bed is any place you happen to be ... on a conference table, under your cubicle ... even, for catnaps in the elevator. And just think how great it would be to wear a sleeping bag on a plane! Especially if you're a pilot.
( $132) plus shipping and handling from Barmans Ltd., Saxon Way Industrial Estate, Melbourn, Hertfordshire, SG8 6DN, United Kingdom, 0870-428-0958, http://www.drinkstuff.com/.

6. Pet highchair.

Since so many of us have pets, this high chair takes table scraps to the next level. Meal time is usually very sad for dogs, because they are confined to the floor, like some kind of domestic animal or something, while the humans get to sit up at the table, where the food is. But there's a solution, thanks to this highchair designed especially for pets. Now, dogs can sit at the table just like people. Think how festive meals will be with your dog sitting right there next to you, barking with happiness, scratching, flatulating and drooling into your lasagna.
($59.99 plus shipping and handling from Target, (800) 591-3869, http://www.target.com/.

7. Firm Grip butt glue.

If you have ever competed in the swimsuit-competition portion of a beauty pageant, or maybe just wanted to wear your swimsuit in a triathlon, then you know how annoying it can be when a sector of your swimsuit disappears into a bodily crevice, which is a mandatory 10-point deduction or DQ. For years, the only way to prevent this problem was a painful procedure involving staples. But now there is a better way: Firm Grip spray-on buttocks adhesive. This is the same professional-grade buttocks adhesive used by all of your top beauty-pageant contestants, pro triathlete women, and as many as 65 percent of the players in the National Football League. (Trust us: You do NOT want to know.)
($17.99 plus shipping and handling from The Queen's Choice, 2059 Listravia Ave., Morgantown, WV 26505, (304) 296-3294, http://www.queenschoice.com/.

Hope this helps cut down on your shopping this year so you have more time for other things like running or exercising!